Being a compassionate person can lead to a life of Trusting, Untrustworthy people. There is a difference between love and trust. One can still love others but maintain a optic stance in the areas of trusting them. Love comes from the heart, trust comes from the analysis of mental processing as we watch the behaviours, choices, actions and the character of the person we are Loving. Love does not equate with Trust.
Lori Ellis-McKinney RSW
Owner – Ellis-McKinney Properties
Trust-reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Trust the Trustworthy – Don’t Collude in Your Own Deception Have you ever known someone or have you ever been someone who trusted untrustworthy people? This is something that is a normal part of human life. There’s a wide variation of ways we can trust the untrustworthy. We might know that an acquaintance mistreats others but sill choose to become their friend. We might have a “gut” feeling warn us that we shouldn’t trust a person. We may invest or lend money while our intuition is warning us against it. We may be treated badly, but decide not to “hold a grudge” and allow the bad treatment to be repeated. We may be too trusting of strangers, based on shallow criteria (they looked honest, they seemed rich, they sounded believable). We may observe an acquaintance treating others unacceptably but rationalize or explain it away with, “They’d never do that to me”. If you realize that you have a pattern of trusting the untrustworthy, here are some thoughts for you to consider.
1. Above all else, learn to trust yourself. If you have a “gut” feeling or intuition about a person or a situation–learn to trust yourself. Some part of us knows–even when we can’t define or articulate exactly how we know. These feelings tend to show up in the physical body rather than as thoughts. The feeling comes first; you may or may not have a conscious thought after that. The distinction point though is that there is a bodily sensation first.
2. Pay attention to the way people treat their fellow beings. How does it fit with what people they tell you about themselves. If you see anger, rage, manipulation, dishonesty, untruth, or “shady” behavior, what does this behavior tell you about the person involved? Don’t go into denial or rationalization. They are telling you who they are by their behavior. Pretending that this means something different is self defeating. The real question is, “Do you want to allow this person close enough to you to potentially treat you the same way?”
3. When you ask yourself that question you may find that it produces some anxiety in you. This could have several reasons. If you aren’t skilled at setting boundaries, you may fear a “blow up” with this person. Maybe you’re afraid of “hurting” someone’s feelings. Maybe you’ve never even considered that you have the right to choose your friends. Maybe you go into such a thick “fog” of denial that you don’t even consider doing anything but “going along” with them.
4. Let’s say that you’ve decided to trust yourself and not allow untrustworthy people to be your friends. You might consider writing some criteria for the types of friends you want. “Trustworthy” might be at the top of the list. What are some of the ways to determine trustworthiness? How about deciding that your trust will be earned over time? Have you had the habit of forming friendships quickly, without really finding out much about the person? It’s better to decide not to take people at “face” value but to let them reveal themselves through multiple contacts. This does not mean to become suspicious or paranoid. It simply means to become observant–and to understand and honor the meaning of your observations.
5. There’s a lot to be learned when you see acquaintances gossip, “back bite”, be “two faced” or generally duplicitous in their interactions with others. Do you really believe that these folks will be any more respectful to you? Highly unlikely. No doubt this is their modus operandi. Life becomes so much richer and more rewarding when we truly take responsibility for trusting the trustworthy. We can give up “fooling” ourselves and pretending someone else is fooling us. Developing trust over time leads to rich and gratifying relationships. Pay attention to what you see, know what it means and don’t go into denial over the key aspects to creating this new pattern. It may seem an oxymoron to some, but many of us have spent time in our lives colluding in our own deception by trusting the untrustworthy. Set a new course. Decide that trustworthy people will earn your trust.
Suzi Elton
